It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
