wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
