Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
