Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i've created a new STD.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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