I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
