just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I have grass duct taped all over my body
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize