2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
