Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
