Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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