my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
