how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
