not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
