I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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