so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
