K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
