i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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