im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
