Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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