So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
