yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
