Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
