i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
