I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
She bit a glass in half.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
