Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
