I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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