theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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