please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
