I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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