Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
