I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
