I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
my phone needs a breathalizer
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
