Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Randomize