so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
