we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
