You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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