i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
