we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Randomize
