I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Everclear isn't food dammit
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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