if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Sorry my hands just texted you
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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