You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
