alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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