Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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