i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
We named our party play list daddy issues
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
