just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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