So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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