I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
