If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
two words: eviction party
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My ass is underappreciated
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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