I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
