How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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