why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
