I puked a lego.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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