Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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