Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Randomize
