shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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