Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
