She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
