He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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