Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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