The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
